Yin and Yang (Healing and Closure)

On Sunday, July 14, 2013, I lost my father to suicide.  An earlier entry on this blog entitled Yin and Yang (Revisited) was dedicated to my father, his decision to take his own life, and it also included a plea to any and all who happened to read my little blog to do everything they can to help anyone they might know who is suffering from depression (up to and including themselves).

This entry is geared towards those of us who have lost a loved one in any sudden and unexpected fashion.  Any loss of a loved one is tough.  I have had friends who have lost relatives after lengthy illnesses.  Almost universally, they speak of relief at the end, of being grateful for having a chance to say goodbye, and of being thankful that their loved one is in a better place.

Sadly, I think that those of us in the unfortunate fraternity of losing someone in a sudden or unexpected fashion have a much different experience.  The prevailing feelings seem to consist of sadness, anger, confusion, numbness, and a general desire to simply disconnect for awhile.

Keeping with the thread of Yin and Yang, I IMPLORE anyone in my now unwanted, but still very special fraternity, to focus on some balance.  Here's why:

Anyone that knows me well...knows that I'm a surfer.  My father loved the ocean and he bought me my first surfboard when I was 10 years old.  Two days after losing my dad, I paddled out for a surf.  In the middle of a particularly fun session, 3 dolphins (my father's favorite number was 3) rode in on a set wave, and put on a SPECTACULAR air show right in the middle of the lineup.  This went on for no longer than a minute, and then they were gone.  I wasn't the only guy surfing that morning, so I wasn't the only one that saw it...but I was the only guy who understood what it was.  My father was letting me know that he is okay now.

Let me be very clear here...I'm still furious with my father for making the decision to take his own life.  I still think that suicide is a terrible way to go, and that there are much better ways to deal with pain and suffering than to take one's own life.  However, I still love my dad very much.  There's the balance...the Yin and Yang...the anger and the love.  Without that balance, there is simply no way I would have seen that message from him nor understood what it meant.  I'm thankful that I wasn't so focused on my anger that I missed it.  It has helped me start the healing process.  I shared that story with my wife and my son when I got home.  That very same night, my wife was walking the dog and looked up and saw a cloud pattern that looked exactly like 2 dolphins swimming next to each other.  The next day, my son came surfing with me, and 1 dolphin jumped out of the water right in front of him.  The healing process has started for us all.

As for closure, that possibility seems laughable right now.  My father was infinitely smarter than me.  If he couldn't figure this all out...there's no way that I will.  This is where the Yin and Yang kicks in for me though, albeit in a skewed way.  For me, the acceptance that I may never find proper closure is, in fact, a form of closure in itself.

The response to Yin and Yang (Revisited) was amazing, and I have received several notes that it has in fact stirred some people into action in trying to help someone with depression.  Mission accomplished on that one.  I sincerely hope these words on healing and closure may help someone as well.  If they help anybody in any way...then it will have been worth it.

Namaste